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Literature Text

I’ve been sitting here for hours, felt the sun move across my back, warming my jacket uncomfortably, but still I do not move to take it off. I already picked the rest of my sandwich to pieces after the first bite, letting the bits of bread bounce on the concrete that my worn shoes are resting on. How could I have been so entirely stupid?
The sparrows are braver than I thought. They each dart forward on spindly legs to snatch a hunk of whole wheat bread, then fly off, not especially far, to peck it to death. Sometimes they squabble over the same piece, flapping their wings irritably. I would laugh at their antics, but the laugh is not there to give. The sun is filtering through the tree above me now, mottling my jeans and hands. My left hand starts to shake, almost invisibly, but I can feel it. I feel it the whole way through my body, my self. How could I have let it get this far? I grip the edge of the bench to steady myself.

My attention is drawn suddenly to two girls walking towards me and my heart clenches slightly. They wear backpacks and talk animatedly, their hair pulled tight and bouncing. Probably on the way to class. I don’t even know them, I just don’t want to be seen. Some part of me wants to disappear. No questions. No unreadable glances. Nobody thinking about me at all. Nothing that I have to get up and face right now. They tread by without even seeing me.

My pocket buzzes alarmingly and I grab my phone to read the screen. A mass text inviting everyone to pizza tonight at 8:00. The idea of disappointing people tugs lightly, leaving a knot. Scrolling down I discover an unnoticed text from three hours ago. “I hope your day has been splendid! Would you like to go on an adventure?” It’s that girl from psychology. We exchanged numbers last week to discuss an out of class project, and she’s been sending me little friendly notes ever since. She’s sweet, but I don’t have the energy for this right now.

I’m sliding the phone back into my pocket when it vibrates again. “Hi! I’m waving, do you see me?” I wearily raise my gaze to see a petite girl standing across the oval, hugging a stack of books with one arm and waving enthusiastically with the other. Her face is contagiously glowing, and I would smile widely back, but I feel empty and flat. It’s like there’s a loose connection and I can’t even access my empathy. I stare blankly at her.

She is not deterred and sprints up to me anyway. “I was just heading home from class, didn’t expect to see you there! I have this great idea for our project.” As she gets closer her footsteps slow and she takes a breath. Her eyebrows lower with concern. “Hey, are you okay?”

In slow motion, the tidal wave is released. Every board and rock I had stacked up against it tumbles down into splinters. Every word spoken against me, every word I have hurled in anger, every shocking mistake of an instant, every abandonment, every moment I have ever regretted, comes hurling against my heart in a wave, and my face crumples as the seawater leaks through the cracks.
© 2014 - 2024 VardaStarkindler
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